The Big Picture
The Big Picture
I was looking at a recent photograph that I've seen many times over of Micah, He was surfing the Hawaiian coast. His smile was big, and he was obviously enjoying himself and the freedom of the ocean. As I looked deeper at this picture I could see this huge wave at his back, with no care in the world but that next good wave, one was right there if he only looked around to see what his surroundings were, but he was soaking in the joy of the water and God's creation to care about a wave. He was lost in the moment of where God had him, not that next joy that may come but that joy at the moment.
I am at a place in my life where I focus to much on what is around me in the past and present, loosing focus on what God has for me at the moment. My laughter was beginning to fade, my joy was beginning to disappear and I focused only on the pain of the past, and the pain that happened the day before. Because of this I've watched my anxiety go up, and more hair loss off my head because of my pulling. I have been stuck in a tornado of destruction.
Then this song came on as I was in a middle of a battle that I felt so defeated and alone, My husband is gone, every turn seemed to knock me down further with no rest. I lost trust in those who I trusted with my whole being, and I was down for the count. So I went home to get support from my family to begin trying to look up and get the strength to continue to fight. I realized during this time, I didn't have to fight, and God has the battle in front of me and behind me; I just need to rest and trust only in him. My husband can't protect me, My husband can't get me through the battles; he can give the support and give me the tools needed; but to get through the battle that's God's and mine. To find peace I have to do that with God, Keith can't bring me peace he is only human. So as I sat at my sisters in tears trying to find peace and healing, talking with my dad trying to get spiritual support; I realized there is nothing I can do within a battle without fully placing all trust in the commander of the army, the general, GOD.
As I did this I began seeing the beauty in the battle, I began seeing beauty in the healing, I began seeing the battle wasn't about me, I started realizing I was living in a victim mode and that I needed to begin getting out of the hurt factor, and move into the full battle of healing mode. The battle for peace within my life that was taken from me, that I gave up in fear. The peace I willing let others take from me because I was more hurt that my integrity was attacked then my spiritual life and peace was attacked. I lost focus on the beauty of the moments that God was giving, and began just looking for the next best thing that could bring me through a battle I was fighting on my own.
Through this battle I was angry at the situation I was placed in, I wanted to move back to the place I was able to do the calling God placed on my life, and where I was at peace in my woods and house. sure there were stresses, but I had a place of solitude, and mentor-ship that brought me to solitude. I was upset that my whole calling was being attacked, and that I didn't ask for any of the situation, but I was placed in it. As I got lost in my anger, the peace within my life began to fade and it effected my marriage. I watched my whole attitude begin to be like a constant wave hitting with out a breath between. I wanted my life back, I wanted peace within my calling back, and I wanted to hurt the closes person to me that I felt brought me into this situation, KEITH. He was able to do his hearts desire, and followed his orders and I lost so much with each move. But, I had to place my calling on hold continually to move with him; the anger just got deeper. As you can imagine this didn't fix anything and the situation just got worse within myself, and my marriage.
When I finally went to California and stopped, I realized the calling isn't mine it's Gods and he has allowed me to go through this battle for growth within the situation. Keith isn't doing his hearts desire, he was doing what his integrity and love for his country, and support for his family lead him to do with God's direction. I had no right to be angry with Keith for moving me away from where I was doing ministry, where I was happy physically and mentally, I was comfortable and not allowing God to move within my calling. I needed to release Keith from my battles, and allow him to fight his own without my anger and destruction. So within this last month, I've began looking at myself in a different view and not blaming Keith for my battles. Finding peace in the battles knowing GOD not Keith was standing before me, leading and guiding me within each move I make. Through this I've been able to find peace, release those who have caused pain, and move through this battle with a joy in my heart knowing God is at the front lines right along with me. So I can sit enjoying every moment before me in peace, not looking for the next best thing or a wave that might knock me to the ground; Because, this is how I fight my battles, GOD at the front lines with me, Not Keith, not my kids, not my fears, not my self ambitions; GOD because I'm surrounded by him. I am wonderfully and beautifully made, God's creation that he made for his glory. So what comes my way, I will look at the moments of here and now and fight the battles with the peace God is in control. And begin being at peace with WHO I AM not who I think I should be.
I am at a place in my life where I focus to much on what is around me in the past and present, loosing focus on what God has for me at the moment. My laughter was beginning to fade, my joy was beginning to disappear and I focused only on the pain of the past, and the pain that happened the day before. Because of this I've watched my anxiety go up, and more hair loss off my head because of my pulling. I have been stuck in a tornado of destruction.
Then this song came on as I was in a middle of a battle that I felt so defeated and alone, My husband is gone, every turn seemed to knock me down further with no rest. I lost trust in those who I trusted with my whole being, and I was down for the count. So I went home to get support from my family to begin trying to look up and get the strength to continue to fight. I realized during this time, I didn't have to fight, and God has the battle in front of me and behind me; I just need to rest and trust only in him. My husband can't protect me, My husband can't get me through the battles; he can give the support and give me the tools needed; but to get through the battle that's God's and mine. To find peace I have to do that with God, Keith can't bring me peace he is only human. So as I sat at my sisters in tears trying to find peace and healing, talking with my dad trying to get spiritual support; I realized there is nothing I can do within a battle without fully placing all trust in the commander of the army, the general, GOD.
As I did this I began seeing the beauty in the battle, I began seeing beauty in the healing, I began seeing the battle wasn't about me, I started realizing I was living in a victim mode and that I needed to begin getting out of the hurt factor, and move into the full battle of healing mode. The battle for peace within my life that was taken from me, that I gave up in fear. The peace I willing let others take from me because I was more hurt that my integrity was attacked then my spiritual life and peace was attacked. I lost focus on the beauty of the moments that God was giving, and began just looking for the next best thing that could bring me through a battle I was fighting on my own.
Through this battle I was angry at the situation I was placed in, I wanted to move back to the place I was able to do the calling God placed on my life, and where I was at peace in my woods and house. sure there were stresses, but I had a place of solitude, and mentor-ship that brought me to solitude. I was upset that my whole calling was being attacked, and that I didn't ask for any of the situation, but I was placed in it. As I got lost in my anger, the peace within my life began to fade and it effected my marriage. I watched my whole attitude begin to be like a constant wave hitting with out a breath between. I wanted my life back, I wanted peace within my calling back, and I wanted to hurt the closes person to me that I felt brought me into this situation, KEITH. He was able to do his hearts desire, and followed his orders and I lost so much with each move. But, I had to place my calling on hold continually to move with him; the anger just got deeper. As you can imagine this didn't fix anything and the situation just got worse within myself, and my marriage.
When I finally went to California and stopped, I realized the calling isn't mine it's Gods and he has allowed me to go through this battle for growth within the situation. Keith isn't doing his hearts desire, he was doing what his integrity and love for his country, and support for his family lead him to do with God's direction. I had no right to be angry with Keith for moving me away from where I was doing ministry, where I was happy physically and mentally, I was comfortable and not allowing God to move within my calling. I needed to release Keith from my battles, and allow him to fight his own without my anger and destruction. So within this last month, I've began looking at myself in a different view and not blaming Keith for my battles. Finding peace in the battles knowing GOD not Keith was standing before me, leading and guiding me within each move I make. Through this I've been able to find peace, release those who have caused pain, and move through this battle with a joy in my heart knowing God is at the front lines right along with me. So I can sit enjoying every moment before me in peace, not looking for the next best thing or a wave that might knock me to the ground; Because, this is how I fight my battles, GOD at the front lines with me, Not Keith, not my kids, not my fears, not my self ambitions; GOD because I'm surrounded by him. I am wonderfully and beautifully made, God's creation that he made for his glory. So what comes my way, I will look at the moments of here and now and fight the battles with the peace God is in control. And begin being at peace with WHO I AM not who I think I should be.
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