12 steps to Serenity
Psalms 6:2-4
Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror. And You, Lord - how long? Turn, Lord! Rescue me; save me because of Your faithful love.
Step one to Serenity - Admit I'm powerless over my dependencies; and my life has become unmanageable.
I'm reading on my Youversion bible app and devotion called the 12 steps to serenity. It takes the 12 steps program from AA and uses it towards all issues within us to eventually lead us to peace within our lives. My dependency is pulling my hair and blaming it on others for the pulling. Using my past to make it OK; and in the present to be a victim of circumstances. Hiding behind an umbrella of religion so I don't have to address my issues and I can continue placing the blame on those who hurt me.
Today I pack my baby ( OK Elijah isn't a baby; but will always be a baby in my mind) up in a car and take him four hours away to college, so that he can begin to learn how to be dependent on himself, and how to be productive in society. It makes me want to pull my hair in stress, sadness and anxiety, but it isn't the situation that is making me feel this way, it's my dependency on the hair pulling in knowing it calms my anxiety and soothes me. But, why? How did I get here? As a kid I didn't pull my hair, as a teenager I didn't pull, most of my young adult life I didn't pull. Dr's label it PTSD from 9-11 and the anxiety it placed on my whole life, and my mind of uneasiness of deployments, moving to Hawaii, and the dynamics my family life was in happening all at once; They say it's because it's the only thing I can control within my life so I pull. I can continue to place the blame on my past, and continue in the pattern of dependency of hair pulling for anxiety; or I can begin to understand I'm powerless over this dependency and begin to heal from it and take control back.
Philippians 3:13 states: Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken a hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. See through Paul's letters it mentions many time he was dealing with his own issues, he wasn't a perfect person walking around calling out everyone's sins; He was also working on his own issues that surrounded him daily. He had to forget daily what was behind and look forward; and constantly take a hold of those issues. We can get to a place believing we will never overcome issues, or dependencies; but my bible tells me otherwise. I am powerless over my dependency but God is NOT! I may want to fall into the belief it's OK, it's just my PTSD; or I can give it over to God and allow him to move within my life so I don't have to be powerless any longer.
It's going to hurt this weekend, I'm going to cry because I'm dealing with a release of my youngest who is not just my youngest but is Autistic. I had grown into this idea Elijah would just be with us always, and I wouldn't have to be in this place of empty nest, but reality is Elijah is fully capable of learning how to live a productive life on his own, without me. God loves Elijah more than I ever could. God knows my heart, fears, and also knows my triggers. I must give God the ability to work through me so I'm not a victim of circumstances, but a survivor of a dependency that I've given freedom to for 10 plus years.
It's going to be hard, and it has been hard for the last few weeks since I stopped hiding behind wigs and hats. But, I have to realize I'm powerless over my issues and my past, but God isn't. I can move forward into the next minute knowing I am a child of God's and he is holding my hand through this journey. As Paul puts it, Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. A life with the man I said I DO to 29 years ago, and no kids around so we can again begin to know each other again without distractions of screaming children of MOM, or DAD. I am actually very excited for this next chapter in our lives, anxious YES but excited.
Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror. And You, Lord - how long? Turn, Lord! Rescue me; save me because of Your faithful love.
Step one to Serenity - Admit I'm powerless over my dependencies; and my life has become unmanageable.
I'm reading on my Youversion bible app and devotion called the 12 steps to serenity. It takes the 12 steps program from AA and uses it towards all issues within us to eventually lead us to peace within our lives. My dependency is pulling my hair and blaming it on others for the pulling. Using my past to make it OK; and in the present to be a victim of circumstances. Hiding behind an umbrella of religion so I don't have to address my issues and I can continue placing the blame on those who hurt me.
Today I pack my baby ( OK Elijah isn't a baby; but will always be a baby in my mind) up in a car and take him four hours away to college, so that he can begin to learn how to be dependent on himself, and how to be productive in society. It makes me want to pull my hair in stress, sadness and anxiety, but it isn't the situation that is making me feel this way, it's my dependency on the hair pulling in knowing it calms my anxiety and soothes me. But, why? How did I get here? As a kid I didn't pull my hair, as a teenager I didn't pull, most of my young adult life I didn't pull. Dr's label it PTSD from 9-11 and the anxiety it placed on my whole life, and my mind of uneasiness of deployments, moving to Hawaii, and the dynamics my family life was in happening all at once; They say it's because it's the only thing I can control within my life so I pull. I can continue to place the blame on my past, and continue in the pattern of dependency of hair pulling for anxiety; or I can begin to understand I'm powerless over this dependency and begin to heal from it and take control back.
Philippians 3:13 states: Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken a hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. See through Paul's letters it mentions many time he was dealing with his own issues, he wasn't a perfect person walking around calling out everyone's sins; He was also working on his own issues that surrounded him daily. He had to forget daily what was behind and look forward; and constantly take a hold of those issues. We can get to a place believing we will never overcome issues, or dependencies; but my bible tells me otherwise. I am powerless over my dependency but God is NOT! I may want to fall into the belief it's OK, it's just my PTSD; or I can give it over to God and allow him to move within my life so I don't have to be powerless any longer.
It's going to hurt this weekend, I'm going to cry because I'm dealing with a release of my youngest who is not just my youngest but is Autistic. I had grown into this idea Elijah would just be with us always, and I wouldn't have to be in this place of empty nest, but reality is Elijah is fully capable of learning how to live a productive life on his own, without me. God loves Elijah more than I ever could. God knows my heart, fears, and also knows my triggers. I must give God the ability to work through me so I'm not a victim of circumstances, but a survivor of a dependency that I've given freedom to for 10 plus years.
It's going to be hard, and it has been hard for the last few weeks since I stopped hiding behind wigs and hats. But, I have to realize I'm powerless over my issues and my past, but God isn't. I can move forward into the next minute knowing I am a child of God's and he is holding my hand through this journey. As Paul puts it, Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead. A life with the man I said I DO to 29 years ago, and no kids around so we can again begin to know each other again without distractions of screaming children of MOM, or DAD. I am actually very excited for this next chapter in our lives, anxious YES but excited.
Comments
My favorite scripture working LA mission and the street for so long was God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power and love and of a sound mind...Jesus is and was and will be forever at your side.