Loving me as God intended

Psalms 139:14 I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. 

Dealing with self - image and anxiety; I had an issue with seeing myself as God saw me,  avoiding mirrors that show who I am, I would avoid topics that praise me as a person. I  was focused on others and helping them through their issues, that I avoided my own. When I began this journey of peace, and reevaluating myself, and what God intended for my life, I began seeing the Katy God intended all along. Not a women who fits a mold of others ideas, but a women that is fitting the mold of what God remarkably and wonderfully made; God's will for Katy. 

In my quest for serenity I've hit step seven, Humbly asking God to remove my shortcomings. The way I view myself as a person, and not caring how others view me; if I'm showing Christ through my life as I should. When we think shortcomings, what does that mean? for me; it's anything that doesn't show Christ within my life, pretending to be someone I'm not, allowing others to direct me into areas that I know are not scriptural or Godly. John 5:14 states that if we ask anything according to GOD'S WILL our prayers will be answered. Key words that many pass over, GOD'S WILL. We take the scripture and we begin believing that if I pray it will happen, but what happens when our selfish ambition comes into play within those prayers? Many times we begin wanting our wants, and not our needs. We place God in a box of what we feel his will is for us, instead of looking at what he intends his will to be. My shortcomings come from placing God within a my will box, not what he intended for my life. And that has gotten me into situations that have caused great pain within my life. 

Right now in my life, I've found the only thing that matters is God, and family. but to have those at a place of peace, I must first work on me and God. I am called into the ministry, I know that. My heart is pulled towards not just witnessing, but preaching his word to Kids and Youth and Adults. Anyone who will hear. I have a strong pull to see others come to a knowledge of Christ, and bringing them to a place of repentance. I feel at peace when I preach, or when I'm teaching children about God. But, at this time in my life I am listening to God's direction, and because of situations that have showed me this is not in God's will I am stepping down for the time being from ministry, seeing that I don't need a denomination to preach, teach and lead people to Christ. I need a denomination that sees wrong and rebukes it, and within this time frame I'm not seeing it. I need Christ centered leadership to step up and protect what is right, not what a black book says, but what scripture says. God's will for a Christ centered church is made very clear within scripture, and when I don't follow God's direction within my life is when things are wrong, I am not just hurting myself, but others also. I've allowed the ministry umbrella to destroy a church, and I have come to a point of letting go. God's will to be done, not mine within the church. My heart hurts because I know I'm called, I know there is a passion within me to continue on in ministry, but there is no protection from those who seek, and destroy. Why am I saying this? Because it would seem God's will would be for me to continue on in ministry, and bring to justice what is wrong so others don't get hurt. But, God's will is to always allow him to direct paths that will bring to light his glory in the end. I have six classes left for ordination, but is the six classes worth seeing people destroyed in the process, while I have to sit back and watch? NO!! 

Ministry will be there, be it with a denomination or not because that's what God has called me to. But, peace within my life, peace with my God, and peace within my family is the most important thing right now within the here and now. God's will for my life at the moment is to sit still, and be in peace. Allowing him to take care of the rest. To work on myself, my marriage and my family is giving me serenity of letting go of things I can not change. 

Just because there is a denomination attached to a building doesn't make it Christ centered as much as Just because someone says they are rich doesn't make them rich. When we don't allow God to be the center of our lives, we begin looking at ourselves more than God. We begin looking at our intellect instead of God. And that's when God's will is not heard, but our selfish ambitions that hurt others. I am enjoying the peace that passes all understanding, and excited for the next few days that will be bringing my husband back into my arms for the next few months. In God's timing, and within his will.