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What happens when you just FEEL like everything around you is crashing in, and your grasping for breath while going under. When you deal with anxiety and depression it can FEEL as there is no control in your life, and everything around you is either stressful, or just worth hiding in a corner. I deal with both, and people see me as a extrovert that enjoys life, but sometimes it just FEELS like the world is chocking me. I laugh to hide the pain or I push things inside so I don't have to deal with the pain of being hurt. When you're an extrovert with anxiety it's harder for people to understand because things always seem well put together and good within our lives. 

   Everything is good in our lives, but it's not all put together. Just answering the phone can cause stress, the thought of being tied down to a phone for a few minutes can make my heart race. Ignoring the phone seems so much easier, but it isn't because then I hurt peoples feelings or I'm shoving situations in life that I need to handle to the bottom of my list. Ignoring the phone seems easier but it causes people to think you don't want them around, when actually you are just to anxious to answer. I love talking to people face to face, I love texting people where I can continue with what I"m doing without having to give all my attention to the person on the phone. I can hide in my little corner while texting without wearing myself out by putting myself in anxious situations. That's why I don't do well with sale-ing things, or having to call others to hear my story. When I'm with my friends, I give everything I have in that moment, and enjoy the time with them without pushing something I see as good. I would rather my friends see the changes and ask about the changes that doesn't make me anxious. 

I've been using a product called xyngular, and I was all in knowing the changes that it made in my life. I allowed a statement from someone to push me away from what was working well in my life. I pushed it away, ignoring the stress it was causing me and not allowing myself the ability to heal from something that caused a lot of pain in my life. So I stopped using what was doing well for me, and began living the two months alone without Keith. I spiraled downward in anxiety and depression trying to shove it back and continue on with life. It wasn't helping and I watched myself trying to please others, and not work on myself. 

This week I realized I have no hair left, and I looked like my grandpa setser with no hair. I love my grandpa setser and miss him greatly but I don't want to look like a guy, I want hair and peace. I want to look like my Grandma setser or my mom that defines beautiful, not my grandpa that defines handsome. I fell deeper into depression, as I sat sick from breathing issues, and anxiety would just take over as I thought about my hair, so I would pull more. I hadn't had xyngular for now a month and a half. and couldn't understand why I felt so anxious and why I couldn't control my impulses. When I realized everything was just getting worse Sunday I decided to start back up on Xyngular and it's Tuesday now, and the difference in my anxiety and depression is like night and day. I got up today and started it with my God time once again and clarity of mind to get a bandanna on my head so I don't pull, and got dressed in regular clothes not pajamas, and even put body spray on. I've begun seeing what I need to accomplish today, and that anxiety didn't need to run my life. 

  As I was continuing my day and really trying to fight through the anxiety I got a message from my husband with this song. 

It was just what I was needing to get through this second half of the day, knowing I have a husband who loves me through my scars, anxiety and depression. A husband that encourages me to push through each day to find the good things around me when I see anxiety and depression. A husband who encourages me to better myself, and not allow my anxiety to control me. A husband who loves me unconditionally. I am truly blessed!

So I still deal with anxiety and depression its a minute by minute issue, but I do know when I'm not on xyngular I struggle keeping my focus on life, and when I slip on my God time my spiritual focus isn't there. Depression is real, Anxiety is real.. Just because your friend is an extrovert doesn't mean that anxiety and depression isn't there in those around you. Be aware that the smile or lightness might be hiding a mountain of anxiety.